PERSONAL: Hoping for better days...
I'll be honest, lately I have been really sad and in quite a slump.
My room seems to always be a mess... I have been doing this thing where I fall asleep in all of my clothes and my light on around 12am and then wake-up again around 3am and need to fix it... I have so much running through my head I have forced myself to not think so much about it all. I feel so disappointed in myself with how my life is right now... I want to be the best me I've ever been and that is my only goal now. I want to start caring for myself more. I want to open up my heart and take a few more deep breaths. Things have been surreal to me lately, I don't sleep or eat as much as I should. I get up in the middle of the night to drink a whole water bottle that I had lacked. I know I can pick myself back up, but I am always so busy trying to please everyone around me that I tend to forget about myself. There has been a lot of fighting lately. I don't really think I can trust anyone fully anymore. I don't feel like I can find someone that will honestly love me; at my age most guys only want one thing from a girl like me. I finally, yesterday, went to an amusement park with a friend, my younger brother and my father. It was a really good get-away, but the whole first few hours I was in such a great pain in my stomach... It hurt so bad I needed to sit down, and couldn't think of anything else but how I could get it to stop.

After some time we went to the pool. I would pass by cute couples... I watched how they looked at each-other, how they kissed and walked by one another open and proudly. I wish I could have had that. I wish I could find someone that I could be open about. I miss a sweet kiss on the cheek...
I kept my head up because my stomach finally stopped hurting when I got into the pool and started to swim. I sat in a high area for about 40 minutes too for some sun, and I believe I got a little tan. Things went down hill again when I came back to wear my dad had been sitting watching all of our bags. I opened mine up and somehow the water bottle I had opened up in the bag & filled it a good two inches.... My phone was on the very top, but somehow had managed to get water all inside of it...
I used my whole tax return to pay for a ($750) iPhone 6; but just like that it was ripped away.
I feel like running it over with my car the way it acts up. It's so pretty... What can I do. I spent all that money...
On June 1, 2015 I got a text from my mom telling me to come to my grandma's house. I came as fast as I could to find a quiet house. Everyone was there, but it was silent. I walked into my grandma's room to see her gasping for air. I kissed her arm, and watched her take her last breath...
I haven't had someone die in my family for a very long time; and even then I wasn't really that close with them. I was very close with my grandma... She was really like a second mother to me, I looked up to her so much. She died of cancer that she had been fighting for five years. My grandma is absolutely the strongest person I know. I feel numb about it all.
It was so extremely hard to see her be taken away, to talk about the un-thought of... I hated seeing her laying there; cold, still, silent... empty.
I was looking right at her, but it was hardly her at all... A week later I went with my mom, dad, and brother to the grave-sight. It was so weird to see the grass a perfect rectangle where she now internally lays.
I get through my days by keeping busy. I am quite young and this is my last real summer to just have fun before I need to stress about where rent will come from. I want to spend my summer with the sweet company of my closest friends, but instead I work full eight-hour days except for maybe one sometimes out of the week. I still can't help that when I go to my grandparents house I yearn for her to meet me at the door and hug me... I can't help the sleeplessness I have when I think about her, and wish I could just have one more talk...
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